74. The 10 Modern Etiquette Dilemmas Everyone Secretly Wonders About

When did good manners become so complicated?

In today's world, we're less likely to wonder which fork to use and far more likely to ask questions such as: Is it rude to leave someone on "read"? How do I politely decline an invitation? Should everyone split the bill equally? Is ghosting ever acceptable?

In this episode of Manners and Other Matters, Louise Percy explores ten of the most common social dilemmas facing adults today. With her signature blend of warmth, practical advice and contemporary etiquette, Louise shares thoughtful guidance on navigating friendships, digital communication, social media, invitations, dining, boundaries and modern relationships with confidence and grace.

Rather than offering rigid rules, this episode reminds us that true etiquette is about kindness, consideration and helping others feel respected and valued.
Whether you're in your thirties, forties, or simply interested in building stronger relationships, this episode will leave you with practical ideas you can begin using immediately.

Because while technology and social customs continue to evolve, kindness never goes out of style.

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Resources and links:

• THE ART OF AN ELEGANT LIFE MASTERCLASS:
  https://thepercyinstitute.com/the-art-of-an-elegant-lifestyle/
• Complimentary Guide to Successful Networking: https://subscribepage.io/shinelikeadiamond
• The Percy Institute website: https://thepercyinstitute.com/
• The Elegance Club Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thepercyinstitute
• The Percy Institute Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thepercyinstitut...

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:08

Thank you for joining Manners and Other Matters, the podcast which brings you all the insights you need to navigate the intricate world of modern manners and elegant living. I'm your host, Louise Percy, and I'm delighted to be your guide on this journey towards a more refined and gracious way of life. I'm here to share my knowledge and insights with you, and I will also be bringing in a lineup of experts from the worlds of etiquette and elegant living to share their wisdom and experiences. The art of etiquette isn't just about following a set of rigid traditional rules. It's about fostering meaningful relationships, both in your personal and professional life. Whether you're dining with colleagues, entertaining guests, or simply striving for a more elegant lifestyle. Subscribe to Manners and Other Matters today, and let's explore the world of etiquette, manners, and the pursuit of elegance together. Hello and welcome back to Manners and Other Matters. If you're joining me for the first time, I'm Louise Percy. I'm the founder of the Percy Institute of International Protocol, founded actually in 1992, and I'm delighted you're here. Over the years, etiquette has changed enormously. We no longer spend our days wondering whether we have chosen the correct fork or what length our dress should be worn to afternoon tea and even if gloves need to be worn. You imagine even worrying about that sort of thing. Instead we're asking very different questions. Is it acceptable to leave someone on read? Should I reply to a message immediately? Can I decline an invitation simply because I'm tired? How many photographs are too many before dinner? What happens when friendships become one sided? Today's dilemmas just aren't about formal etiquette. I mean there are guidelines, I don't ever call them rules, and if you ever need any help with any formal etiquette guidelines, please do contact me through the Percy Institute dot com and I would be delighted in person and not through an AI response, to reply to you. But today's dilemmas are about navigating this modern life of ours with kindness, confidence and consideration, and I would like also to add respect and empathy. One of the things I often say is that good manners are never about making ourselves look important. They're about making other people feel comfortable, respected, as I've mentioned, and valued. So today I'm sharing ten modern etiquette dilemmas that many people, clients of mine, people that have left comments on the podcast, have secretly wondered about. You may recognise yourself in some of them, and perhaps you'll even think of a friend or a family member who may benefit from hearing this episode. Don't we all? Anyway, pour yourself a cup of tea or coffee, glass of wine, wherever you are in the world, settle in, and let's explore modern manners together. So I want to say with every one of these dilemmas, these are questions that I have personally been asked, whether in a consulting situation, whether in a one on one coaching, mentoring environment through professional talks at organisations with a Q ⁇ A time. All of them are absolutely real and authentic. So dilemma number one. Louise have left me on read, should I be offended? And I think this has become one of the defining social generations of this generation. Technology has given us extraordinary access to one another, but it's also created expectations that simply didn't exist twenty years ago. Just because someone has seen your message doesn't necessarily mean they have the emotional space, quite often, or available time to respond immediately. Equally, repeatedly leaving important messages unanswered for days can unintentionally communicate indifference. Modern etiquette asks us to consider the other person's experience. If you know you're going to be unable to respond properly, even a brief acknowledgement such as thank you, our reply this evening demonstrates your consideration. Courtesy doesn't require constant availability. It does require thoughtful communication. And so here's dilemma too. Louise, can I decline an invitation simply because I don't feel like going? Well, we've all been there in that situation, haven't we? Seems more and more often for me. I don't feel like going to networking functions and and that sort of thing. But I do make the effort because I think if it's good for my business, it's good for me. And I do think that stepping out of your comfort zone on a fairly regular basis keeps you fresh. But that's not to say that self care and your wellness are even more important. Because most of us feel guilty saying no. Many can invent complicated excuses because they worry that honesty may offend. But the reality is that a gracious decline is perfectly acceptable, depending on the event. You don't owe anyone an elaborate explanation, and I think sometimes we do tend to overcomplicate things, but you can correctly thank the person warmly. Always please respond promptly, and by that I mean within twenty four hours as much as possible. Wish them a wonderful occasion, because as I touched on, protecting your own well being isn't about poor manners. Cancelling at the last minute without good reason, however, is another matter entirely. Please promise me that unless something absolutely urgent occurs, you do not cancel at the last minute. That's a time when it's time for a lady to lift her head up high, reapply her lipstick, straighten her back, and go and do the very best job she can. And for you gentlemen, same thing, but forget the lipstick, unless you're so inclined. Dilemma number three, Louise, my friend, is always filming everything for social media. Haven't we just all become remarkably good at documenting our lives? Sometimes we've forgotten to live them. And there's nothing wrong with taking photographs, but if every course of lunch must wait until the lighting is adjusted and videos are recorded, the shared experience begins to disappear. My partner and I recently had a lovely long weekend away, staying at Cape Lodge in Margaret River, in Western Australia. I'll put a little link there for you. And he is so used to me just saying, Darling, do you mind if I take a quick photo of this? It just looks so pretty. Because then I can include those photos in my master classes and courses. And they're all authentic, they're not from Canva or anything else. Everything I I apply in my courses is based on experience that I have had. And I'm very pleased to say that for any of you that are interested in any of the courses at the Percy Institute, they're all now, except for school holiday courses here in Perth for children, by appointment. I really feel that the ways of communication have changed so much with social media, with AI, that it is my absolute privilege and honour to be able to offer a by appointment service so that I can share my many years of knowledge and expertise with you in a much more personal fashion. But going back to photographing at lunches, etc. Good manners remind us that people matter much more than content. Please before photographing, ask others if they mind. And then put the phone away and enjoy the company, the food, the conversation because in my experience, the best memories are often the ones we've never posted. And so to dilemma four. Louise, is it rude to wear headphones or scroll through my phone in shared public spaces? I'm thinking here waiting rooms, airport lounges, public transport, coffee shops, cafes, because our devices can become invisible walls. However, there are moments when reading or listening to music is entirely appropriate in a public space, and please do always then use your headphones, whatever style they are. But remaining completely unavailable to those around us can sometimes close the door to simple human interaction. And I regularly travel by air and quite often on a route between Sydney and Perth for both family and work reasons. And I've quite gotten to know some of the crew members, and they will usually say to me after meal service or whatever, Oh Louise, would you like to come up to the galley area and have a chat with us? Because they know that I will always ask them if they invite me, can you tell me what airline etiquette questions you particularly want me to cover? If I'm recording a podcast and I think it's appropriate. And so when I came back from Sydney ten days or so ago, I was reminded by the flight attendants that invited me back for chat, that modern etiquette really is about awareness. Be present enough to acknowledge those serving you. So if people are coming past with the cart, with your lunch or a drink or a coffee or whatever, take your headphones off, please. And if they say, What would you like for lunch, Miss Percy, or whatever it is, you can say, I'm sorry, I didn't hear what the selection is today, and they'll say the chicken salad or or whatever it is. And you're able to acknowledge them with eye contact and say, Yes, the chicken salad would be great, thank you very much. And don't put your headphones back on until they've actually placed the meal or given the meal to you to place on your back seat table. It really means the world to them to be acknowledged because it's very important to remember that those people that assist us on aircraft or trains or whatever it is are highly trained individuals. They're there for our safety, not just to actually serve us with a meal or that extra little bottle of wine or another coffee. So please do remove the headphones when someone's speaking to you. Offer your positive eye contact. Say thank you because small courtesies really do remain timeless. And so now dilemma five. Louise, when should I stop chasing someone who never organizes anything in return? And this is a tricky one. I've had years of wonderful friendships. Some of my friends go back to my earliest days in primary school, and some of my friends that are very good friends, I met in my fifties, and even some in my sixties. But friendships should never become scorecards. But neither should they become one way streets. If you're always making the effort while the other person rarely reciprocates, it may be time to pause, unless there's a reason. If they tend to be an introvert and you're very aware of that, then allow for it. They need you to be the one to reach out. If someone is going through an ordinary time of their life, whether it be a job situation or a health situation or a relationship situation, they probably just need you to reach out, because at the time, they just don't have enough emotional content for themselves to be able to make that little extra gesture. But sometimes friendships naturally evolve. I had a friendship thirty years ago that naturally evolved. We just grew apart. Our differences became more apparent than our similarities, and my friend decided that it was a good idea to discontinue the friendship. It broke my heart. But sometimes, and looking back on it, her need for freedom from what was happening in her life and my life at the time seems very reasonable. So allow space. See whether the other person takes the initiative. Because healthy relationships and as I say, I've had some which have lasted over fifty years involve mutual care, respect, empathy, kindness and courtesy. So dilemma six Louise, is it acceptable to split the bill exactly? So money remains one of the subjects people find most awkward. The answer depends largely upon expectations established before the meal. I firmly believe that transparency prevents discomfort, and so this is going for the dating situation as much as the friendship situation or the three couple situation over dinner. If everyone agrees beforehand to divide the bill equally, wonderful. If one person orders significantly more than everyone else, or another person perhaps doesn't drink alcohol, and he uh the drinks bill's going to be split evenly with the food bill. Consideration, I think, suggests offering to contribute a little extra. And it's a very easy thing to do, just say Oh well, I had another glass of wine. That rose was so delicious, but I'd like to put in a little more to cover that, or else offer to pay the tip. Whatever suits you best. Etiquette isn't about mathematics, thank heavens, because I'm terrible at maths. But it is about fairness and consideration. Dilemma seven Louise, how long should I make a voice message? How long should it be? And increasingly, voice messages can be lovely. They're personal and so often warmer than text, and I must say that on my voice message recording I have please do leave a message because otherwise I won't be returning your call. I say it in a very nice tone. And that way you really do lose the people who are obviously doing a promotional call, perhaps. However, I do think always that you should respect the listener's time. The concise message is is usually appreciated. And the other thing I do say when I'm speaking at my courses is if you're going to leave a voice message, please tell a person for whom you're leaving the message that you are going to be unavailable between, let's just say, three o'clock and five o'clock this afternoon. But you will be back in the office, if it's a business call, let's say, from eight thirty tomorrow and look forward to speaking to them. But if your message resembles a podcast episode, perhaps it would be kinder to arrange a telephone conversation instead. And this also takes me to another tangent, perhaps that in this day and age, do you think you should text before making a telephone call to see if the person's available? Please leave your answer in the comments. Always remember that communication should make life easier, not more complicated, though sometimes the opposite does happen, doesn't it? And so to dilemma eight Louise is ghosting ever acceptable and I think that this is one of the saddest developments in modern communication. As I've mentioned, about friendships evolving, etc. Ending friendships or relationships can be uncomfortable, distressing, and terribly sad, but disappearing without explanation often leaves the other person confused and hurt. Whenever for you it is safe and appropriate to do so, please remember that clarity is much kinder than silence, however difficult it may be. Respect sometimes means having difficult conversations. Oh, and I'll be interested in your comments on dilemma nine. Louise, can I ask guests to put their phones away? So I use an example if people are coming to my home, for example, and for lunch in my courtyard or dinner in the dining room, I don't ever ask people to put their phones away. I do definitely ask my clients, particularly the children at my school holiday courses, to put their phones away or to put them on silent. I don't want them checking during a break to see what their friends are doing. It's going to be completely distracting. But if their parents want them to have the phones at the course so that if they ever need to reach out to their parents, then that's absolutely fine. But I do think that with most people from about 25 onwards, I find I don't need to ask about the phone being put away. What I will say is if during my classes we have a break, for example, I will say, please, use the break to check your phones if you need to. I don't like the idea of a phone basket where everybody pops their phone into a basket and then retrieves it on the way out. I don't think that's very elegant, but maybe that's me. Please drop a comment and tell me what you think. I have found, though, that in private situations at my home particularly, rather than let's say a working situation with a course, people generally appreciate permission to disconnect because attention is one of the greatest gifts we can offer another person, don't you think? And so to dilemma ten. This is a question I was asked fairly recently during a a radio interview I was giving, and it was, Louise, is etiquette really still relevant in today's world? And my answer was I believe it's more relevant than ever. Because we have etiquette around technology changes. And that's a whole new a whole new subject. I want to talk about AI etiquette in another episode. Let me know if you'd be interested in listening to that. Because I use occasionally ChatGPT to, you know, bounce around some ideas. And I've actually named my chat GPT Monsieur because I'm also taking French lessons. And so Monsieur, I give prompts to in French, he corrects my French, and then we have the rest of the conversation in French, unless it gets too difficult for me. So I feel not only am I using chat GPT the way that it works for me, but in more ways than one. But there is etiquette around all of this, don't you think? And also there's etiquette around fashion changes and dress codes. And if you listen to my last episode, it is all about dress codes, so please just go back and I hope you enjoy it. And social customs do evolve. Not just social customs for the country in which you're living, but the social customs of the cross-cultural slices of society in your country. And certainly, I would really like to know that you have had a look at the modern etiquette for any countries that you're visiting on your travels, so that you're able to show appropriate respect and not get offended when things aren't done the way. That you normally find them done in your own country. But human nature doesn't really evolve. We all still want to be valued, respected, and treated with kindness and courtesy, don't we? For me, etiquette has never been about perfection. It has always been about kindness. And that's what I was taught by my late mother, who was born last century. But she was always considered by others to be a lady who allowed her graciousness and elegance to be there not with accoutrements and accessories, but to help others feel comfortable. How lucky was I to have her as a mother. And so your kindness expressed through thoughtful behaviour will never go out of style. And that's essentially what etiquette's all about. So thank you for joining me for another episode of Manners and Other Matters. This one has been quite personal because they're all, as I mentioned in the introduction, questions that I've been asked, and I did have to sift through them for you. But if you'd like another one of these dilemmas, I will sift through further questions and answer them in another podcast. But if today's discussion has prompted you to think differently about some of your own habits, then I've achieved exactly what I hoped to. Remember, modern manners aren't about judging others. They're about becoming the sort of person who leaves people feeling better after every interaction with them. If you enjoyed today's episode, I'd be so grateful if you shared it with a friend, subscribed wherever you listen to podcasts, and perhaps leave a review, I'd be so grateful. It helps more people discover these conversations about confidence, communication, contemporary etiquette, and elegance. Until next time, please take care of yourselves. Be kind to one another. And remember that elegance isn't something we wear, it's something we practice every day. I look forward to speaking to you next time. Thank you so much for joining me today. Your time and attention are greatly appreciated, and I hope you've found our discussion both enlightening and inspiring. If you've enjoyed our conversation and want to stay connected with us on this journey of elegance and refinement, don't forget to subscribe to this podcast on your favourite podcast platforms. And why not share the wisdom with your friends and family? Etiquette is best enjoyed when it's a shared experience, after all. And for all the latest updates, behind-the-scenes moments, and exclusive content, be sure to follow the Percy Institute on Facebook and Instagram. And please also do join my Facebook group. It's called the Elegance Club, and you'll get exclusive offers and bonuses. Remember, the pursuit of a more elegant life is a continuous journey, and I'm delighted to share your journey. Feedback and engagement mean the world to me here, so please keep those comments, questions, and suggestions coming. I love hearing from you. So until next time, my dear listeners, stay graceful, stay kind, and may your life be filled with elegance and joy. Thank you for being a part of Manners and Other Matters. Goodbye for now.