73. Modern Funeral Etiquette, Honouring a Life with Grace and Elegance

Death is one of life's few certainties, yet many of us feel uncertain about what is expected when someone dies. Should you attend the funeral? What should you wear? Is a text message enough, or should you send a handwritten condolence card? And what exactly is the difference between a traditional funeral and a celebration of life?

In this episode Louise explores the etiquette surrounding funerals and memorial services in today's world. From dress codes and condolence messages to social media announcements, wakes and supporting grieving families, Louise offers thoughtful guidance to help you approach these difficult moments with confidence, compassion and grace.

Whether you are attending a funeral, supporting a friend through loss, or simply wish to better understand modern funeral etiquette, this episode provides practical advice for one of life's most important occasions.

Good manners matter most when kindness is needed most.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:08

Thank you for joining Manners and Other Matters, the podcast which brings you all the insights you need to navigate the intricate world of modern manners and elegant living. I'm your host, Louise Percy, and I'm delighted to be your guide on this journey towards a more refined and gracious way of life. I'm here to share my knowledge and insights with you, and I will also be bringing in a lineup of experts from the worlds of etiquette and elegant living to share their wisdom and experiences. The art of etiquette isn't just about following a set of rigid traditional rules. It's about fostering meaningful relationships, both in your personal and professional life. Whether you're dining with colleagues, entertaining guests, or simply striving for a more elegant lifestyle. Subscribe to Manners and Other Matters today, and let's explore the world of etiquette, manners, and the pursuit of elegance together. Welcome to Manners and Other Matters. And today's episode is a very personal one for me. Because a couple of weeks ago, one of my dearest friends lost her son, aged 40, most unexpectedly. And it's been terribly difficult for us all to come to terms with it, but also to know how to assist. And so what I'm going to do is talk through what's happened and what I think the differences are between a modern funeral, for example, and a traditional one, because death is one of life's few certainties, yet many of us feel surprisingly uncertain about what to say, what to wear, whether to attend or how best to support a grieving family. The etiquette surrounding funerals has changed considerably, and while respect remains at its heart, today's farewells may take many different forms, from traditional religious services to colourful celebrations of life. In today's episode, I'm exploring the etiquette that helps us honour the deceased while bringing comfort to those left behind. And so I'd like firstly to look at the concepts of traditional funerals versus modern funerals. So traditional funerals were mainly religious in nature, depending on the cultural background of the deceased and their family. Very often somber and highly structured, with formal orders of service, which she would follow during the the ceremony. People were expected to wear pretty much exclusively black clothing, and if a woman was widowed, it was expected that she would wear a black veil covering her face. The death notices and funeral notices were placed in the local newspaper, and after the religious ceremony, the burial followed immediately. And I used to find the burial, I still do actually, quite confronting because invariably the hearse would leave with the coffin, followed by the immediate family and then the friends, and we'd make our way about one or two kilometres through the cemetery to a burial plot where a hole had been dug, and more prayers would be said, and then the coffin would be laid into the hole, and the family would be invited forward to throw a rose or some rosemary, a sprig of rosemary, and a handful of dust onto the coffin, and then everyone would leave and go to a function where there would be obviously coffee, tea or drinks served, where people would reminisce about the deceased and commiserate with their very close family and friends. But today's funerals, or certainly the ones that I've been to, are often much more personalized, including favourite music replacing hymns if it's a religious service, photo presentations and videos being shown on screens, perhaps as a break after the eulogy, family members giving personal tributes, being invited to wear favourite colours of the family or the deceased instead of black. And quite often there are outdoor venues. I've never been to a funeral, I must say, at a beach, a winery, or a garden, but I believe, from my friends who have, that they're very relaxed. And then quite often memorial services, which are now regarded as a celebration of life, are held even weeks later. And so I think the etiquette point I'd particularly like to make here is that the wishes of the deceased and the family always take precedence over tradition. If the invitation requests bright colours, Hawaiian shirts or floral prints, respecting those wishes is entirely appropriate. The greatest courtesy is not wearing what you prefer, but wearing what has been requested. And so let's have a look at funerals versus a celebration of life. People often ask if there's a difference, and generally, traditionally, the traditional funeral acknowledges loss, as I've mentioned, often religious, focuses on rituals, and usually includes a burial or cremation. A celebration of life, however, is often less formal, focuses on memories, and may occur weeks or months later, and often include storytelling, music, and shared meals. Some families choose both. I know that another friend of mine has recently lost her husband, and he decided to have none of the above. He wanted to be taken from his home and cremated, for his ashes to be left for his widow, and for her to choose if she wanted to have friends and family round for dinner, to remember his wonderful life. And I actually have a another very close friend who is nearing the end of her life, and she's chosen exactly that. But she does want a celebration of life, and she's already chosen the venue. And I'm sure that we will have much laughter and frivolity remembering her wonderful life and the kind, giving, compassionate, and terribly funny woman that she is. And so traditional funeral or celebration of life, the etiquette is that neither's better. The purpose is the same to honour the person's life and to support those who grieve. So while I've touched on funeral attire, and if there is a particular request from the family, probably the most often asked etiquette question I have about all this is Louise, what should I wear? So traditionally, the attire for a funeral was solemn, and the traditional colours were black, charcoal, navy or dark grey, with for the women simple jewellery, with closed shoes rather than sandals. And you would avoid for women, sequins, revealing clothing, loud prints, or for the men casual sportswear. But with the modern funeral, many invitations as I've mentioned now specify please wear bright colours or please wear blue or as I've seen quite a few times, no black. And then somebody mentioned to me when I was doing research for this particular episode, please wear football club colours has been on a few invitations recently. And so the etiquette point here is if instructions are given, please do follow them. But if you're unsure, and certainly I wouldn't wear football club colours, I'm not that way inclined. I would err on the side of understated elegance. It's almost impossible to be criticized for dressing respectfully. But before you think about me not wearing football club colours, I might have a scarf in football club colours, the appropriate football club, tied around my handbag. And that way that would be my little nod to the request. But that's when you actually are at the funeral. What happens after you've heard about the death? In this day and age is it a condolence card, an email or a text? The hierarchy in all this remains remarkably simple. A handwritten card still sets the gold standard. It demonstrates thought, care and time, and so with my dear friend who lost her son recently, the day after I'd been advised of his passing, I wrote a note on my own stationery and put it in their mailbox, so they could open whenever they were ready. To me it just felt more appropriate than a text. And also, because we're so close, I had already spoken to the mother, and so it seemed like a handwritten card on my personal note paper was the right thing to do. Email is perfectly acceptable for colleagues, distant acquaintances, or international friends, and text messages are appropriate if you're not going to pick up the phone immediately after hearing the news, and certainly if that's your normal form of communication. However, I look at it like this a thoughtful card should ideally follow the news that you've received. Think of the text as an immediate comfort, think of the card as a lasting comfort. Many families keep condolence cards for years. And it really is a comfort for them to look back on. But what do you write in a condolence card? Many people delay sending a card because they worry about saying the wrong thing. And the truth is and I've always stood by this, that perfect words are not necessary. Presence matters, but kindness matters. And some examples could be I was deeply saddened to hear of John's passing or My thoughts are with you and your family, but may your wonderful memories bring you comfort. Thinking of you during this difficult time. I shall always remember Mary's kindness and if you knew the deceased well, why not share one memory? As I say, families often treasured these cards and stories, but please avoid saying everything happens for a reason. At least they'd lived a long life. I know exactly how you feel. Instead in your own words, simply acknowledge their loss. As I mentioned a little earlier, traditionally death notices and funeral notices were put in the daily newspaper, and quite often they still are, because daily newspapers are also available, of course, not just in print, but in digital editions. But this is one area where etiquette has changed dramatically. Families increasingly announce deaths through Facebook, Instagram, dedicated memorial pages, even funeral home websites. And many funerals these days are now live streamed for relatives overseas. Have you watched a live stream funeral? And so I think the guiding etiquette points here are that you would never announce someone's death on social media until the immediate family has done so. Never assume information is public. And if you're commenting online, keep your messages sincere and brief. Avoid making the tribute about yourself and how much you're going to miss the deceased. And do remember that private condolences are often more meaningful than public displays. And so the etiquette of attending either a funeral or a celebration of life. Many people ask me, Louise, what do I do if I didn't know them particularly well? And I always suggest to remember that you're attending primarily to support the living. If you're invited or have an appropriate relationship with a family, your presence is really considered intrusive, and if you're unable to attend, send a card, flowers if appropriate, make a donation if requested, and then follow up several weeks later. Often the support I've found myself and have been told by others is really important after everyone else has moved on. And that support, when you're feeling terribly flat and it's all coming home to you that this person is really gone means so much. And then there is the wake or the post funeral gathering. I don't think it's called wake much these days. But traditionally the wake has evolved considerably. Historically, it involved watching over the deceased before burial, but today it usually refers to the gathering after the service, and its purpose is sharing memories, reconnecting with family, and offering comfort. The atmosphere may be surprisingly warm. Laughter isn't disrespectful because you're sharing funny stories, and that's often the most easy and accessible way of healing. The celebration of life after the cremation for my friend the son was actually held at a nearby yacht club overlooking the river where he had often played and fished, where he and his brothers had mucked around in boats, and it was just the perfect setting because it was just so evocative of our many shared memories of him. And so I think the etiquette regarding the post funeral gathering is don't dominate conversations. Everybody has something they want to say. Allow the close family opportunities to rest. They don't want to be haranged by people. Offer practical help. And if you know there are any distressing inheritance or family disagreements, it is definitely not the time to raise your knowledge or ask to be filled in on all the details. And so I think some more modern etiquette topics also include flowers or donations. Many families now request donations to a charity instead of flowers, and you should always honour that request. If flowers are requested, keep arrangements tasteful and send them promptly. I always suggest sending the flowers to the funeral home who's organizing the burial cremation, 'cause that way they can actually be arranged perhaps at the entrance to the venue where the farewell is going to take place. Quite often I'm also asked about the place of children at funerals, and I don't think that children should automatically be excluded. If they're old enough to understand what's happening and can participate respectfully, attending, in my personal view, can be a valuable life experience. Parents should prepare them beforehand and always have a quiet exit plan if needed. And then there's the question of photography. This, however, with all of our phones is increasingly common, but we must remember that you never photograph mourners without permission, and always avoid posting funeral photographs on social media unless the family has clearly indicated that this is welcome. And with your mobile phones, it's perhaps the easiest etiquette rule of all. Silence them completely, not on vibrate, not on silent communications, completely off, or airplane mode is ideal. And then after the funeral, one of the greatest kindnesses is remembering that the grief of the loved ones continues long after the funeral. Consider reaching out a month later, on birthdays, anniversaries, maybe the first Christmas or religious cultural instance for the family and friends. Simple messages such as I'm thinking of you today can mean far more than an elaborate speeches. Do you agree? And so I think I'd like to finish by mentioning that good funeral etiquette is not about memorizing rules. It is about recognizing that every gesture, every word, every thoughtful action communicates one simple message, and that is that you are not alone. Whether attending a centuries old religious service or a joyful celebration of life on a beach, the principles remain the same. Show respect, show kindness and never underestimate how deeply a small act of compassion may be remembered. Thank you for joining me for this episode, a very personal episode of Manners and Other Matters. Funeral etiquette is ultimately not about perfection. It is about humanity. In times of grief, we rarely remember every flower, every hymn or every carefully chosen word, but what we do remember is who stood beside us, who reached out with kindness, and who quietly reminded us that we were not facing our loss alone. And so until next time, please do remember that good manners are never about following rules for their own sake. They are about showing consideration, compassion, and respect, particularly when they matter most. Thank you so much for joining me today. Your time and attention are greatly appreciated, and I hope you've found our discussion both enlightening and inspiring. If you've enjoyed our conversation and want to stay connected with us on this journey of elegance and refinement, don't forget to subscribe to this podcast on your favourite podcast platforms. And why not share the wisdom with your friends and family? Etiquette is best enjoyed when it's a shared experience, after all. And for all the latest updates, behind-the-scenes moments, and exclusive content, be sure to follow the Percy Institute on Facebook and Instagram. And please also do join my Facebook group. It's called the Elegance Club, and you'll get exclusive offers and bonuses. Remember, the pursuit of a more elegant life is a continuous journey, and I'm delighted to share your journey. Feedback and engagement mean the world to me here, so please keep those comments, questions, and suggestions coming. I love hearing from you. So until next time, my dear listeners, stay graceful, stay kind, and may your life be filled with elegance and joy. Thank you for being a part of Manners and Other Matters. Goodbye for now.